This Is How I Love You
by ACSkyefan88
Summary: AU-ish post 5x16. Donna comes to Harvey's apartment to comfort him after Mike is found guilty by the jury. One-shot.
_**I wrote this before I saw the season finale. [SPOILERALERT] In this fic, Mike was found guilty by the jury and he never made the deal with Gibbs to keep Harvey from getting prosecuted.**_

 ** _This is my first Darvey fanfic. I have never written a romantic fanfic before, so I hope turned out at least somewhat good._**

 ** _I neeeeed Darvey to happen on the show. On one hand I get that they have a complicated relationship and that them becoming something more than they are now is not going to be easy to have that be a natural progression(and also they work really well like this), but on the other hand I feel like the writers have been paying too much attention to how they may be feeling about each other, to not have it pay off eventually (like Harvey not answering 'how he loves Donna', and Donna saying to dr. Agart that 'Harvey doesn't know what he's missing', etc.). Also, SO MANY fans want Darvey to happen, so that is also motivation for the writers. As you can see, I'm trying to stay optimistic;p (I'm hoping that maybe when they introduce Mitchell it will force Harvey to realize he's in love with Donna)_**

 _ **Summary: Donna comes by to check on Harvey after they lost the trial and Mike was sentenced to 7 years of prison.**_

* * *

This was quite possibly the worst day of his life. And that includes the day he caught his mother cheating. He had been able to talk Mike out of making a deal with Gibbs, but when the jury verdict came back, to all their horror, it had sounded 'guilty'. He had gone into a panic attack as soon as he heard the word, and he had only just barely been able to manage keeping himself together to be there for Mike. Rachel had been crying and the look on Donna's face was still burned onto his cornea. When he got home he didn't know what to do. What was there to do? He had just opened a bottle of Macallan and sat down onto his couch and that was where he still was right now. Suddenly he heard a knock on his door. If it was Jessica, he didn't really feel like going over a contingency plan. If it was Louis that had come by to tell him he failed, he wasn't really feeling like that either. None the less, he got up to answer the knock.

On the other side of the door Donna sets down her bag to open the door the 'Jessica'-way, but it isn't necessary, because at that moment the door swings open. Before her stands an utterly broken Harvey. He had gotten rid of his tie and suit jacket, and the sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled up. Normally she liked seeing him dressed like this, but seeing his red eyes she pushed that thought down.

"Harvey. Can I come in?"

He gave a weak nod and stepped to the side to let her in his apartment. His apartment looked tidy as ever, but then again he didn't have enough stuff to even make a mess. On his coffee table files were scattered and she noticed a bottle of scotch and a half empty glass. He just stands in the middle of the room with his hands in his pockets and face down. Her heart aches. The puts down her bag and walks towards him.

"Harvey."

He looks up at her and she sees there is no fighting in him left. She then does something they don't ever do, because they don't touch anymore. She takes a step forward and wraps her arms around his torso. She senses he doesn't know how to react for a second, but then he wraps his arms around her and presses her into him tightly.

"It's okay," she says. She knows it's not, but she feels like she needs to say it anyway.

"I messed up, Donna" he confesses.

"No Harvey, you didn't."

"I should have turned myself in."

"Harvey, please. Just stop." She didn't know what she was begging him for. Probably begging him to stop talking, so she would have to keep imagining him behind bars too. The words 'just let me hold you while I can' left unspoken, but ever present in the air. And it's what they do. They just hold each other. She feels his heart beating rapidly in his chest. Donna eventually pulls back but stays close as she slides one hand to rest on his chest. With his hands on her waist they just stare at each other. His brown eyes never leaving hers. When she starts feeling too hot under his stare, she decides to change the subject;

"I brought dinner"

She turns around to walk to the bag she had set on the ground. She tries to lighten the mood for a little while. They have been through hell all day. He deserves a little distraction. He sighs and walks back to the couch, where is scotch is still patiently waiting for him.

"Donna, I'm not hungry."

"Bullshit, Harvey. You haven't eaten all day. I know that once you get past feeling hungry, it seems like you're not hungry, but trust me, you're hungry." As soon as she says it he feels his stomach growling.

"I just don't really feel like eating, Donna. And how do you know I haven't eaten all day?"

She starts pulling take-out boxes out of her bag and putting them on his countertops.

"Because I'm Donna, Harvey."

For the first time that day he smiles a little. He should have known. She always knows exactly how he's feeling.

"Also," she continues, "losing weight does nót work for you. When you don't eat, you lose muscle, not fat. You've been looking so good lately from working out, it would be a shame to waste that."

Harvey is stunned for a moment. Did Donna just say she thought he looked hot? He knew he was good looking, but Donna never shared that she thought so. Then again, he often caught himself thinking she looked sexy in one of her dresses as she walked into his office and he never told her either. Maybe he should start doing that. Had he been feeling better, this would have been the moment he would have teased her with something like _"Donna Paulsen, did you just say I look hot?"_ , but he just didn't have the energy for their usual banter. "Fine. I'll have a bite."

* * *

For the first five minutes or so, they eat in silence on the couch. But Donna eventually gets him talking and they just keep talking about everything and nothing. The trial, Louis's cats, and everything that comes to mind. When they have finished eating, Donna stands up from the couch and takes their plates to the dishwasher. She then starts gathering her bag and coat. He had fallen into silence and was still sitting on the couch, staring into his glass of scotch. It isn't until she walks back towards him that he notices that she has her coat on and looks ready to leave.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"Harvey, Rachel is asleep in my apartment. I need to get back."

"Can't you just stay a little while longer?" Donna sighs.

"Harvey, it's way past midnight. Her fiancé just went to prison and I want to be there when she wakes up. Rachel needs me right now."

"And what about me? _I_ need you!" he exclaims with a break in his voice as he abruptly stands up.

She doesn't know how to respond. Harvey never voiced needing her like this. She just stood there with her mouth slightly open as she was trying to figure out how to respond as her mind drew a complete blank. When she didn't answer, Harvey tried to recompose himself.

"I'm sorry" he says. He looked down and shoved his hand into his pocket "I'm being selfish. You're right. Rachel just lost her fiancé and she needs you more than I do. Go to her. I'll be fine, Donna."

She felt it twisting in her stomach to see him in a halfhearted attempt to pull his walls back up after what he must have felt was a rejection to his request on her behalf. Or at least to protect himself to what he thought was going to be a rejection. She hated that the moment he finally started telling her what he's thinking and feeling, he thought she didn't care enough about him to say yes.

"Go. I'll clean the rest up. Text me how she's doing in the morning." He says and starts getting the rest of the cutlery and their empty food cartons.

"Okay." She says and walked towards the door. However, instead of opening the door and leaving, put hung her coat back on the rack and placed her bag underneath it.

"Donna?" He asks surprised when he looks up. "What are you doing?"

"Staying. Like you asked me to" she says and tokes their leftover food from his hands to help him clean up.

"I thought you were going back to Rachel? Donna, you're right she needs you more than I do right now."

But before she can answer, he rambles on. "Donna, it was a stupid question and I was being selfish. You don't have to do this because you pity me."

She stopped walking towards the kitchen for a moment to look him in the eye.

"Harvey, I do not pity you. I never have, and I promise I never will. Rachel is sleeping right now anyway. She doesn't need me right this second. I want to stay, okay?"

She sees him searching the truth in her eyes, and apparently he finds it, because he just says "Thank you, Donna."

She shakes her head. "You don't need to thank me, Harvey. That's what friends are for."

* * *

In comfortable silence they cleaned up the rest of their meal. However, in both their heads thoughts were racing, coming down to one question: what now? It had been 12 years since they had spend the night together. Okay, 'spending the night together' has quite a different meaning this time, but how would they do this? Harvey was the first to break the silence.

"Do you want to shower first? I know you like to shower before you go to bed."

Donna raised her eyebrow. "And how do you know that?" She asks, with a hint of playful curiosity.

"You told me once" he shrugged.

"When?"

"One night, when we were working late and ordered food from the shitty Thai-place you like."

When Harvey looked at her, he saw that she was somewhat stunned.

"Donna, don't look at me like that. I'm not one of those guys that only pretends to listen to a woman when she talks about personal things. I though you knew that?"

She lets out a small laugh as she shakes her head. She did know that, but he still surprised her. That he would remember such a small intimate detail about her from some conversation they had once. Why would he remember that? And what could that mean? She felt a blush creeping to her cheeks.

"I do know that, Harvey. It's just- it was just an unimportant conversation we had such a long time ago. I'm surprised _and_ impressed you remembered."

"Well, I'm glad I can still surprise you" he said with a smirk.

They just look at each other for a while with a smile they only reserved for each other.

"So do you want to…?" he said as he turned this upper body to point roughly to the location of his shower.

"O yes! I've been dying for a shower since lunch."

"Good" he says. "Come, I'll show you where everything is, although I'm guessing you may already know my apartment better than I do myself."

She laughed."What are you implying, Specter?"

They walked through the bedroom to the shower.

"Come on, Donna. Like you haven't been snooping around my apartment whenever I'm out of town and you drop by to get my mail."

She decides to play coy. "I resent that accusation and you have no prove of that."

Harvey laughed at that. He liked this: them being them. She could match him in every way and he just felt at easy around her. He secretly wished she could stay with him every night. He flicked on the light switch of the bathroom.

"So here are the towels and this is how you turn the shower off and on and adjust the temperature" he briefly demonstrated as he explained, "I only have my own shower gel and shampoo for you to use, unfortunately. I hope that's not a problem?"

One of the reasons Donna had always liked standing close to Harvey, was because she thought he smelled so nice. Being enveloped in the smell of his shower gel for a night? She wouldn't mind that at all. It excited her a little even.

"It's fine Harvey, thank you." Harvey nodded and smiled briefly.

"Okay, I'll let you do your thing then."

He turned around and walked out of the bathroom, but before he could even reach his bed he heard her call his name.

"What is it, Donna?" he asked in a soft tone once he reached the bathroom again.

"Uhm, I don't have any other clothes with me except for the dress I'm wearing."

"Let me see if I've got something for you to wear" he says and walks to his closet.

When he looked through his stack of dress shirts his eye fell on a light blue shirt that she had told him once was her favorite shirt of his. He didn't wear blue shirts that often, but he wore this one sometimes to cheer her up on days she was feeling down. He secretly loved that he could do that, just by wearing something she liked on him. He grabbed the shirt and a pair of wide boxer shorts. He didn't really wear those that often either, but sure was glad now that he had a pair laying around. He walked back to the bathroom.

"Here you go, Donna. Are those alright?" She took the clothes from him.

"Hey, is this that shirt I like?"

"Is it? I didn't notice." he pretended to be oblivious. She smiles and shakes her head in amusement.

"I'll be out in a minute" she says.

"Take your time, Donna."

* * *

When she came out of the shower wearing the shorts and shirt he had given her. She reveled in his smell that was all around her. The smell of his apartment, his detergent, his shampoo and his shower gel. She wanted to smell like this always. When she didn't see him in the bedroom she walked to the living room. He was putting sheets on the couch and a blanket and pillow were laying on the ground.

"Harvey, let me do that."

Harvey looked up and had to concentrate on not letting his jaw drop and staring at her like a fool. However, he failed at the staring-part. He couldn't believe how hot she looked in his clothes. Her blow-dried hair falling over her shoulders, in contrast to, yet in beautiful harmony with, his light blue dress shirt. Memories from the other time came flooding back. When he had woken up that morning, he had found her walking around his kitchen in his shirt. He was pulled from his trip down memory lane when he heard he say his name again.

"Harvey, did you hear what I said? Are you okay?"

"That shirt looks even better on you than it does on me" he just blurted out. He mentally chastised himself for it. He was usually so careful not to cross the line she had drawn 12 years ago. What was with him tonight? He saw her blushing and duck her head like a schoolgirl. He didn't know how to recover from this confession, so he just went on making a bed on the couch.

"Harvey, let me do that. I can make the bed for myself."

"Donna, your taking my bed. I'm going to sleep on the couch." Donna shook her head.

"No Harvey, I'm not taking your bed from you. I'll be fine on the couch."

"Really, Donna, take the bed. I insist."

"I'm, not letting you sleep on the couch in your own apartment, Harvey."

"Well I'm not making you sleep on the couch either."

They just stared at each other, neither one backing down. Realizing that neither will cave, Donna decides to break the silence.

"Well I guess that only leaves one option."

"Which is?"

"We both sleep in your bed."

His face changes. She sees vulnerability and uncertainty coming to the surface.

"Donna, are you sure? What about your rule?"

"Harvey, it's just sleeping. It's okay." He slowly nods.

"Okay. Let me just put this away and then I'll join you in bed. Err- I mean… to go to sleep. Not-"

"Harvey, I know what you mean. Don't worry about it."

Harvey takes the bedding with him and Donna walks to his bedroom and gets herself settled on one side of the bed. Harvey's bed is ridiculously big, so she's pretty sure they won't have to worry about accidental touching during the night. In the back of her mind she's secretly hoping it will happen anyway. Maybe she'll lie a bit closer to the middle on purpose. She'll just wait until he's asleep. Then he won't notice her laying so close to him. Briefly, she reflects on how pathetic she's being. The Awesome Donna Paulson, waiting until the man she loves is asleep to lay close to him, because she's too scared to do it when he's awake. While she is lost in her thoughts, Harvey emerges from the bathroom. He's wearing a plain grey T-shirt and long black pajama bottoms. She thought he never looked more hot before then he does right now. His hair is slightly damp and standing in every direction from ruffling it with a towel.

Harvey notices she's staring at him, and sees she probably doesn't know she's doing it. His heartbeat speeds up under her gaze. He just want to walk to the bed and kiss her 'till she doesn't know what's up or down. But she has that goddamn rule and things have been going so well between them lately, so he takes a deep breath and walk to his side of the bed and lays down at a safe distance from her.

"Goodnight, Donna" he says.

"Goodnight, Harvey."

He switches off the lights.

* * *

Ten minutes later, still neither has even one eye closed. After debating what to do, Harvey decides to screw it and asks

"Donna?"

"Yes, Harvey"

"Would it be okay if I held you?"

When she doesn't answer. He starts to ramble

"I'm sorry, that was a stupid question. I'm just tired. Forget I said anything."

However, instead of answering, she shifts closer and lays her head and hand on his chest. His arms immediately wrap around her. She can feel his rapid heartbeat starting to slow down under her ear as he seems to be soothed by their embrace. Lazily, he absent mindedly starts drawing little patterns on her arms with his thumb. The rhythm of her breathing solid against his body giving him such a sense of peace, that even in the midst of this shit-storm that is his life now, he feels like it floating in the eye of it. Total silence and no rain, hail or wind; just her breathing in and out against his torso. He feels that breathing becoming slower and even out and it doesn't take long before he too falls asleep.

Somewhere in the night she wakes up from faint sounds in the room. Once she wakes up enough to actually register where the sounds are coming from, she realizes that it's Harvey who's making the noices. He must have turned in his sleep, because he's now lying with his back to her. He softly whimpers.

"No- No, please don't leave"

It breaks Donna's heart to hear the fear in his voice. He sounds so desperate and frantic. She sits up slightly and supports her weight on one arm. As she reaches for his arm, to wake him up he whimpers again;

"No, Donna- Don't take her away!"

She gasps at the surprise that he is dreaming about her. Moreover, having a nightmare about her being taken away. She can't stand to see him suffer any longer and places her hand on his upper arm.

"Harvey"

When he doesn't respond

"Harvey, wake up."

She says it softly, but when he still doesn't wake up, she continues slightly louder.

"Harvey, wake up you're having a nightmare." She shakes his arm a little.

"Harvey."

The whimpering stops and he turns towards her to lay flat on his back. As he rolls over, she keeps her hand on his arm.

"Donna?" He asks confused, still half asleep.

"Yes, Harvey, it's me. You asked me to stay with you tonight. I woke you up because you were having a nightmare." He nods.

He lifts his head and lets it drop back into the pillow, bringing one hand up to his face to wipe a tear away from under his eye and then slides his hand into his hair and keeps it there as he tries to get his breathing under control. He closes his eyes, but almost immediately reopens them, the nightmare still engraved on the inside of his eyelids. She moves her hand up from his bicep to his face. His cheek was damp with sweat. He keeps breathing overly controlled to calm himself down and then brings his hand down to thread his fingers through hers and holds their hands against his cheek. The gesture makes her heartbeat speed up a little.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.

She patiently waits until he is ready to share his nightmare as she kept moving her thumb in soothing circles over his cheek. Briefly, she thought about how natural this felt. She had just come by to support him keep him company for a while last night, and now here she was lying in his bed comforting him like they'd been together for years. Her heart ached a little, because she secretly never wanted this feeling to end. The feeling of having everything together. He kept looking at the ceiling as he started talking;

"She took you away-" he began "Gibbs wanted to put pressure on me so she went after you. You didn't even get a trial. The judge just said 'guilty' and you got dragged away. I tried to fight, but my feet wouldn't move and I kept yelling and you kept getting further away from me…"

His confession made her want to grab him into a tight embrace and never let go. But she wasn't sure how he would react if she did, so instead she settled on comforting him with words.

"I'm still here, Harvey. I'm not going anywhere."

He looked at her then. The expression on his face was just as raw as the night he came to ask her whether he should turn himself in, and she told him she didn't want him to, because she thought he was worthy of being found innocent. She had been hesitant then in believing that look meant he finally saw her in 'that way', but this time she couldn't stop the hope from creeping to the surface of her skin.

All of the sudden he sat up and she sat up with him.

"Harv-"

But before she could even finish pronouncing his name, he had grabbed her face with two hands and suddenly his lips were on hers. There was a desperation to the kiss, but is was gentle non the less. He was firm, but never forceful or rough. It felt like he was trying to show her just how much he's been wanting her for so long, in one kiss. At first she didn't respond, because her brain had a slight delay in processing that the man she'd been in love with for 12 years was finally kissing her (again). After a few seconds (or maybe minutes or hours, she had no idea) she started kissing him back. He felt just like she remembered. The palms of his hands slightly rough from boxing, but his lips ever so soft. She pushed him back into the bed, never breaking the kiss and let her hands wander under his shirt over his torso as his wandered over her back. He felt more muscular than she remembered. His pecks were firmer and his stomach flatter, and it turned her on. But when she heard him moan, she was pulled back into reality and realizing what they were doing, she pulled back.

"Harvey," she panted, her face still just inches away from his.

"Donna, please."

"Harvey, it's wrong like this. It's not the right time."

"Then when is it the right time, Donna? It's never the right time." She pulled back a little more so she could look better into his eyes.

"I've been wanting to talk to you for months. I wanted to tell you how I love you, but I was a pussy and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I thought I had time to tell you, but now that they've convicted Mike they're coming for me next and they'll find me guilty too, and I'll be going away for 7 years as well and then when I get out you will be married to some guy that actually deserves you, and then you'll never have known how I really felt and I just can't stand the thought of that happening and-" He was rambling and she decided to interrupt him.

"Harvey, Harvey. What are you talking about, and where is this coming from? Who am I supposed to get married to?" He shrugged and insecurely looked away.

"I don't know, maybe that Mitchell guy?"

As soon as he said it, the realization hit him. He had completely forgotten that she was in a relationship. He had never even met this guy and now he had made Donna cheat on him. He was such an idiot. How could he let that happen?

"O God, Donna, I'm so sorry. I forgot you are in a relationship."

He tried to pull away, but she swung her leg over his under the covers to keep him in place, ignoring how her own impulsive action send a rush of heat to the pit of her stomach. From his small gasp she was sure he felt it too.

"Harvey, it didn't work out with Mitchell." His expression softened again and was now filled with surprise.

"What? Why? And when?."

She sighed.

"A few weeks ago. I was spending so much time at the office that we never saw each other, so we decided is wasn't going to work out."

He shook his head and sighed too.

"Donna, I'm so sorry. You deserve to be happy and now I messed that relationship up for you too."

"You really don't get it, do you, Harvey?"

He just looked at her confused.

"You make me happy. You always have."

"I thought I made you sad and pissed you off with my emotional impairment."

She lets out a small laugh.

"No Harvey, you just frustrate me sometimes. And I got tired of you not being ready to admit your feelings to yourself."

The look on his face bore a hole right through her soul.

"I'm sorry." He says."And I know it is completely unfair to you to ask you this now, but this may be our last chance before it is really too late. Just- please, let me feel what it is like to be with you just one more time? That will make going to prison just a little bit easier. Or maybe harder, but at least then I won't have regrets. Please, just one last-"

She didn't let him finish, because one second longer and she would have been crying. Her heart ached at the vulnerability in his request. Also, she knew he was right. If he went to prison there wouldn't be a chance for them. So she was going to savor what they have tonight. She kissed him hard to shut him up and his hands went into her hair. But she quickly pulled back again.

"I just want you to promise me one thing." She tells him.

"Anything, Donna." He said and she knew he meant it.

"Promise that I won't wake up in the morning and find that you have run away again to pretend that nothing happened."

"If you promise me that you won't tell me in the morning that it was a mistake. I don't think I would be able survive that."

She gave him a soft, reassuring smile.

"Sound like a deal, Mr. Specter."

She leaned down to kiss him again, but he flipped them over and propped himself up on his arms. He just let his eyes wander over her face as if he was looking at her for the very first time.

"I love you, Donna." He suddenly says.

She smiled and brought a hand up to touch his face. She still couldn't believe that look in his eyes was just for her.

"Love me how?" She askes.

He just kissed her. She opened her mouth to him to let their tongues intertwine. The heat in their stomachs starting to erupt and set free, coursing through their bodies. His hands traveled up and down her sides and she started tugging on the hem op his shirt to get him to lift his arms. He threw his shirt across the room and hers followed. He started kissing down from her neck between her breasts and down her stomach. When he entered her, everything came together and fell apart at the same time. In that moment, having Harvey touching her like she's the only thing he ever truly wanted almost made her cry from being overwhelmed with emotion. And when they came at the same time, their names on the other's lips, she felt complete again for the first time in twelve years.

* * *

When Harvey woke up, it was because of the sunlight streaming into his bedroom. He turned around and groaned. He had a headache. Serves him right. It's his goddamn fault that the lives of the people he cares about are so fucked up right now. But when he opens his eyes, those thoughts quickly leave his head as he remembers what happened last night. Because what he sees is a head of red hair and part of a back full of beautiful little freckles. Freckles he had traced with lips and tongue just hours before, like he had done 12 years ago. He smiled: she was still here. He carefully moved closer to her, so that he wouldn't wake her up and started dropping feather light kisses on her neck and shoulder. He heard her starting to make soft noises, somewhere in between a moan and a groan, and she moved instinctively closer to him.

"Harvey" she let out on a breathy moan.

"Good morning" he says, his voice slightly gravelly and even lower than normal. She turned on her back. She just looked up at him with pure affection in her eyes.

"You're still here."

It was more a statement than a question. He smiled at her.

"I'm not going anywhere, Donna."

"Good, because neither am I."

She smiles back at him and touches his face, just because she could and she'd never get enough of that.

"and I'm hungry. So, go make me some breakfast, Specter."

Harvey let his head drop to her shoulder.

"Donnaaa" He pretends to be annoyed.

"Or do you have something else to offer this morning?" she barely manages to asks since Harvey had started nipping at the crook of her neck and soothing is over with his tongue. He lifts his head and sports a grin like the Cheshire cat.

"I do, but it the only food that involves is whip cream." She windes her arms around his neck.

"Hmm, I think I'd like to take a look at that."

He moves to lie on top of her and brushes a strand of hair out of her face.

"I think we should do a test round before involving the whip cream. You know, just to be sure we don't run into problems- like a mock trial."

"How very thorough of you, Mr. Specter."

He starts kissing her neck again and brings his right hand up to massage her breast as his left slides lower down her body. She automatically moans his name as she arches into him to get closer.

"O, I can be thorough, Miss Paulsen." He mumbled against her neck.

* * *

Ten minutes later they lie sweaty and panting on their backs. Suddenly Harvey grabs Donna's hand that lays in between them and says

"For the record, Donna: this is how I love you."

* * *

 ** _That's it! Hope you liked it:) Again, my first Darvey fanfic so please leave reviews with your feedback! I'd really appreciate it!_**


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